Saying No to Unwanted Sexual Attention

Marcus and Jeff

These two beautiful guys are called Marcus and Jeff. Two reasons to love living in Malaysia. They think of Billy and me as wise elders; we think of them as adorable sons. We’re family: I really love these two guys, and I’m honoured they see us as good role models. 

Last year both our boys got into trouble dealing with unwelcome attention from other guys. Later we chatted and I shared my experiences of this. Apparently this was useful information. They both handle this difficult situation better now. 

So today it’s your turn. I’m going to write about rejection. Not about handling rejection, but about rejecting other people’s sexual attention when it’s not welcome. We all have to do it: men can be so tiresomely persistent…

 How do you deal with this situation nicely? 

In fact, why should you even be nice? 

I think most people like to think of themselves as OK. We all think something like ‘I’m a nice guy, I treat people well and for the most part I act in a decent way.’ 

I think too that most people like to be treated with respect, as if they’re basically OK or good. Don’t you? So how do you treat someone with respect and still reject them?

For a start, here’s something that seems obvious to a Westerner but doesn’t  always seem apparent to all my Asian friends. We all have the right to refuse sexual attention from other guys, even if that means they get disappointed, even if it means they lose face.  Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. In fact, saying ‘no’ clearly and with respect might just mean the opposite.

Effective and ineffective ‘nos’

 So let’s imagine we’re in a sauna: partly because I know saunas well and partly because in a sauna, interactions are seldom verbal; they’re physical and therefore very real. If you can reject someone nicely in a sauna, you can reject him nicely anywhere.

There’s a world of difference between an effective ‘no’ and an ineffective ‘no’. One gets its message across, the other doesn’t. For me, the key to making a ‘no’ effective is not what you say, but what you say without words. Body language. 

There’s also a difference between a soft ‘no’ and a hard ‘no’. Both can be effective. If I’m going to reject someone, at least for the first attempt or two, I’d like to do it in a way that shows him respect and minimises his feelings of rejection. 

After all, if we’re all in a sauna on a Sunday afternoon, we’re all pretty much looking for the same thing. No need to give someone a hard time for liking me. And I certainly don’t want to give myself a hard time if someone doesn’t. 

Getting cruised

An undesirable man starts cruising me. Maybe he’s not my type, or maybe he’s undesirable because I have something else to do, like finish an SMS or make eye contact with someone I like better. Or I’m resting…

Do you want that hand there? You can say no...

 

Meet like with like

My number one rule is to meet like with like. In other words, if a guy makes an advance in a particular way, I respond in a similar way. If he’s verbal, I’m verbal. If he’s physical, I’m physical. If he’s rough, I’m rough. I start where he starts, because that’s his ‘language’. 

More to the point, if someone catches my eye, and especially if he smiles, it really doesn’t make sense for me to start yelling ‘Fuck off, you ugly geek, why can’t you ever leave me alone?’

In fact, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, something  like that happened to me  and I’ve never forgotten it. I'll call that an ‘inappropriate no’. Ouch!

 

Eye contact

So if someone catches my eye with a look or a smile, I might look back briefly to check him out and make up my mind but that’s it. No more. If he smiles, I might reply with a very quick smile or a polite nod but that’s it. After that, no more interaction. 

Sometimes, especially if the guy keeps popping up everywhere I go and staring, it’s hard to avoid more frequent eye contact.  But it’s a bad idea. That’s just going to encourage him. He’ll think I’m trying to cruise him. So if I don’t like him, I make him invisible. If necessary, I can track him out of the side of my eye. My rule is:   no more eye contact, except if he’s blocking my way.

 

Physical contact.

In a steam room, first contact is often physical. That can be true on a dance floor too. Again I meet like with like. If his touch is gentle and slow, I can respond gently and slowly. I gently unpeel his hand and place it back in his lap. Sometimes I just pat his hand or give it a friendly squeeze before removing it. ‘Thanks for the offer, but no thank you.’ But I meet like with like. If someone grabs me roughly, I’ll remove his hand more roughly.

 

Repeat offenders

I use the word ‘offender’ deliberately here. If I’ve said ‘no thank you’ to someone by removing his hand, he should respect it. It’s very clear.

 

Three strikes and you’re out!

This is the trick I shared with Marcus and Jeff that they found so helpful. I call it ‘three strikes and you’re out’. If he touches you then:

• First time: remove hand gently
• Second time: remove more forcibly
• Third time: push away impatiently and forcibly

If there’s a fourth time, the guy is probably drunk or crazy. There’s no point being territorial. Doesn’t matter if you were there first. It’s time to leave that steamroom/podium/corner of the bar. Let the guy figure out that when he persists, you walk away in disgust. I’d rather change location than subject myself to sexual harassment. 

That should really be enough. Anyone who continues to stalk you after four clear consecutive messages like that is not looking for sex, he’s looking for conflict. How you handle that depends on your personality. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Those escalating physical rejections should always be enough. So be true to yourself, be clear and be physical.  

And have fun!