Toolbox Phrases for Wannabe Barebackers Part 2

(continued from previous post) 

 

A PASSION KILLER

For me, the moment someone asks me to bareback, verbally or physically, is a scary one. The worst-case outcome is that I could get infected with HIV. And I really, truly, deeply don’t want that to happen. 

Moreover, if the guy I’m with wants to bareback with me, then he’s certainly barebacked with others before. So suddenly, from having a great time with someone, I’m getting worried. 

Maybe this guy is poz.  Maybe he knows he is and is hoping I am. Maybe he doesn't know and is hoping I'm not. 

Underground Soundz postcard

Whether he’s poz or not, one thing is clear. He’d rather risk his health and mine to fuck without a condom. To me, that is really a passion killer.  

TOOLBOX PHRASES FOR REPEAT SITUATIONS

A wise friend of mine once taught me the concept of ‘toolbox phrases’. Her idea was that some situations are too stressful for you to be able to think on your feet. So you need to think of what those situations might be and prepare a toolbox of phrases that you can reach into. 

For me, being with a wannabe barebacker is one of those situations. A situation we all find ourselves in from time to time.  For all the reasons above, it freaks me out, so I’ve developed an option list of toolbox phrases to deal with it.  

For those guys who enjoy chem fun, it's even more useful to have figured out your responses in advance, because for obvious reasons, if someone wants to bareback with you when you're high, you're not going to be thinking as clearly as usual. Planning your response ahead of time could literally save you a lifetime of regret. It's my sad observation that ice users tend to bareback more than most and a statistical fact, in the USA at least, that HIV infection rates among ice users are much higher than in the rest of the population. There's no doubt that chem fun really is fun, but having your toolbox phrases ready means you can party and play safely. 

Here is a selection of situations and responses from my own experience.

It's handy to have the right  phrase for the right situation

Situation 1.

He’s just indicated, physically or verbally that he doesn’t want to use a condom. My toolbox phrase is something polite but clear like:

‘Sorry, I don’t bareback.’ 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too polite. After all, the guy has just indicated he’d rather risk his health and mine than use a condom. That’s not very polite, is it? But heck, I live in Malaysia and safer sex awareness is very poor. I’m an older guy on the scene. Shouldn’t my first instinct be to guide, not scold? 

So maybe being polite the first time is OK. The guy has made a request and I’ve said no. If he leaves it there and respects my position we could have a great night ahead of us. 

Situation 2

Unfortunately, there are guys out there who can be very persistent. A simple ‘no’ is just not enough. After five minutes the request comes up again, either  verbally or physically. Maybe by rubbing cock to ass without a condom. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m just rubbing! I won’t let it go in!’ 

Heard that before? Before you know it, something is sliding in. 

Sometimes they just keep asking, again and again. Nagging or begging. 

‘Please, please fuck me,' or, 'Please, let me.’

That really pisses me off. I can’t listen to that all night! It means I have to be constantly vigilant. It’s a total passion killer. So my toolbox phrase is something like one of these:

‘I’m sorry, but I’ve already told you once before that I don’t do that. If that's not OK with you, let's just take a shower and go for some food.'‘

 or

I’m sorry, but I’ve already told you once before that I don’t do that. If you ask me once again I’m going to have to leave/I’m going to have to ask you to go.’

And I mean it!

Situation 3

Once I was with a bottom who tried to pull the condom off me without me noticing. Once I was with a top who tried the same. They both tried to distract me while removing the condom so we could bareback without me realising. 

This is tantamount to rape. It's a crime! It’s trying to get you to do something dangerous you absolutely have not given your consent to, putting you at risk, against your will. The toolbox phrase?

‘Get the fuck OUT of here! Now!’

LOVING YOURSELF

There was certainly a time in my life when the idea of throwing a trick out on the street or leaving someone’s house in disgust because of what they had tried to do was totally appalling to me. 

As a young guy I could never do it and consequently I had to endure some quite unpleasant company. Maybe in those days, I didn’t want to give offence. Maybe I didn’t have the money to go home. I can’t think why now. 

Nothing is worse than allowing someone to disrespect your clearly stated wishes. Especially if you might end up with a debilitating virus as a result.

WHAT IF I’M POZ ALREADY?

So does this post have any relevance to HIV+ guys or is it just relevant to negative guys who don’t want to get infected? I hope you’re like me. I hope you think it’s relevant to everyone. Positive or negative, I think we have certain responsibilities to ourselves and our partners. 

• ·      If you’re negative, don’t you have a responsibility to protect yourself from infection?
• ·      If you’re positive, don’t you have a responsibility to protect your partner from infection?

If you don't want to be celibate the only way you can do this is by playing safe - by fucking or getting fucked with a condom. 

Or by avoiding anal sex altogether. 

GMFA postcard

Don’t let someone bully you into doing otherwise. It’s totally fine to say no to a wannabe barebacker. Figure out some toolbox phrases that suit your way of doing things. You’re worth so much more.

TOOLBOX PHRASES FOR WANNABE BAREBACKERS…

A SURPRISING OFFER

A couple of weeks ago I got clicked by a stunning guy on Gay Romeo. He was tall, handsome and manly. He worked as a model and was, much to my surprise, very keen to meet me. The chat lasted about 40 minutes, messaging back and forth and then, at the point of passing him my address, it all went wrong.

‘Will you raw me?’ he asked. 

It was quite a shock. My position on raw sex on my profile is crystal clear. It says:

1)    Unsafe sex: never

2)    I also write explicitly in my bio that I never bareback

3)    I even draw pictures! I have our very own Underground Soundz safer sex images plastered all over it.

My GR profile is very clear. I even draw pictures!

Some people don’t read, I guess. Or understand pictures. Or care.

Well, chatting online is easy to handle. You can type what you like or just ignore the person. What happens when there’s someone in your bed who wants to bareback (fuck without a condom)?

HOW TO CATCH HIV

Let’s talk about HIV infection for a minute. We all know the theory. If you or your partner are positive:

·      If you simply kiss or jerk off you’re never going to pass or catch HIV.

·      If you suck or get sucked, even to the point of coming, you’re almost never going to pass or catch HIV. There’s a slight chance but it’s tiny.

·      If you fuck or get fucked without a condom, there is a high chance that you or your partner will get infected.

We all know that, don’t we? Nearly all HIV infections in gay men come from barebacking. A small proportion of unlucky guys get infected because the condom breaks. A tiny proportion gets infected from oral sex. So fucking or getting fucked are the riskiest things you can do, even with a condom.

IS BAREBACKING OK?

I’m sorry guys, for the most part, I don’t think it is. There are some situations where you can argue for it but there are only a few. Here’s one recommended in the UK by HIV charities.

·      You and your partner have safer sex and decide you want to go raw. You both test for HIV and happily, you both test negative. You continue to play safe for another 3 months, the time it takes for a recent infection of HIV to show up in the blood, then test again. If both of you are still negative after three months it’s safe for you to play raw, so long as you are both monogamous or, if open, you only play safe with others.

A lot of (HIV) poz guys choose to fuck raw with other poz guys. I’m told that on Gay Romeo, people’s profiles that say safer sex ‘needs discussion’, are often poz guys looking for other poz guyz. It’s a clue!

Research suggests that raw poz to poz sex can get you infected with a different strain of HIV, making your overall condition deteriorate faster than it would have. Many guys accept this risk as a payoff for not having to worry about condoms or their status with their partners.

Poz to poz raw sex is even more risky when one partner is on medication, because there is a risk of infecting your partner with a drug resistant strain of HIV.

Poz to poz raw sex is therefore not a healthy choice at all but it is a choice that two adults with the virus may choose to make and I must respect those of my friends who do it. But whichever way I look at it, poz to neg bareback sex  just seems dumb, wicked or crazy!

So how should you react if someone wants to bareback with you?

(Continued in next post)

Catching Up

Hi people,

Sorry for the intermission there...we had two Freedoms in a row and I got a little too busy! 

To update you, our Freedom Maydaze party was everything we had hoped for, and less. 

Everything, because Aldrin played a superb set of original material with such artistry and style that everyone who heard him was amazed. 

Less, because we had  fewer people there than we had hoped for a DJ of his stature.

But I had a great time. As soon as my warm up set was done, I was on that dance floor! I didn't leave it for 2 and 1/2 glorious hours!!

Aldrin and me at the end of the night

On Monday 16 May we had a second Freedom, for Wesak Day Eve. We had arranged it almost as an afterthought; the flyers arriving from the printers the day before Aldrin's set, just in time for us to pass them to people leaving the club. But the night surprised all of us: one of the best, most fun parties we've had. 

Part of this was because we'd got this silly idea to have a sci-fi theme. We hired a face painter to create a 'future tribe' feel and people took to the idea right away. It created a wonderful atmosphere for the night. Many thanks to Mellissa Ng for her hard work. She painted faces non-stop for two hours! 

Two Future Freedom Fighters!

And for the first time guest DJayPee and I played truly alternative music, an uncompromisingly hard techno set. After Aldrin two weeks previously, why bother with anything else?

We partied till after closing time. Even I left the mixer and danced for the last songs, and I think a fine time was had by all. 

Last but not least, the Freedom team has expanded from two to seven. This means that the Freedom concept has also expanded. With seven of us moving things forward we can look forward to a much better and more thoughtful community centred party and blog. Keep tuning in!

The next Freedom will be on June 17. Our last few posts have been all about the party. But as you know, this blog is not just focused just on dance. My next post will be about the community. I've got something to say about barebacking!


See you soon

Oran