Friday 20 April 2012

THE SEVEN DEADLY FACEBOOK SINNERS –WHICH TYPE ARE YOU?

Today, another friend ‘added’ me on Facebook. In a couple of weeks, maybe he’ll be just another I have to ‘unsubscribe’. The more you know, the fewer you want to. 

I’m overloaded by Facebook friends, banging on about what’s important to them and so darn irritating to everyone else.

So I’ve been watching your posts. Sifting. Analysing. And I’ve boiled everything down into seven types, the Seven Deadly Facebook Posts. Read below and decide: which one is you…



The Seven Deadly Facebook Posts



THE RADAR BLIP

At Starbucks for coffee… CHECK-IN!
At the Gym… CHECK-IN!
Having dinner at a Mamak Stall in Chow Kit… CHECK-IN!
In a taxi.. CHECK-IN!
Need to pee… CHECK-IN! CHECK-IN! CHECK-IN!

Let me just “CHECK-IN” here, so my friends they can follow me and admire me and know exactly where I am in my fast-paced, activity-filled life.

Attention! Attention! Stalkers wanted! Apply within…. CHECK-IN!




RB checked into Kelang Starbucks and 89 other locations...


THE FOODIE

Don’t touch that burger! Stop eating it!
Wait, let me setup the shot, your hand is in the way!
*smacks hand*
Can you all move closer?

OMG I have to post a picture of my breakfast cereal online!

You, you’re in my Food Shot. One sec, I need a picture of your salad, orange juice, kung-pao pizza, sugar sachets, cutlery and the table number too!

Instagram it! Pin it!  Food is my religion and the adoration and worship will begin…as soon as I upload it to Facebook!

Fact: 80 quadrillion gigaquads of server space were used up in the last 30 seconds by Malaysians uploading photographs of food.


VANITY PLAYA

Oh! New photo of ME *uploaded to Mobile Uploads album*

That picture of me with my biceps showing will be AWESOME!

Almost as awesome as my shirtless self-pic at the gym and the one of me shirtless in the mirror and the one of me shirtless in the other mirror!

Gosh, the public toilets here are AWESOME! The angle is perfect! I can crop the tissue dispenser out of the picture later.

Me, in the toilet, in my tight tank top – UPLOADING!
35 “likes”? AWESOME!
67 “likes” and 112 comments! AWESOME!

You know I’m cute, you know I’m buffed up, you know you want me because I’m AWESOME!

Resting, after work out...awesome

THE PREACHER

Equal rights for straight Norwegian Dolphins in fish-nets! This issue is very important.

Change your picture to a picture of any grape to say NO to the merciless crushing of grapes to make wine! This issue is very important. Share this post.

Click “Like” to support the fight for the Health of Innuit Sauna Working Girls! The high latent temperatures in saunas are slowly causing debilitating nakedness! This issue is VERY IMPORTANT! Share this post.

I’ve added you to my group. Read the group code of ethics and abide by it. Do your part! Share with your friends and Save to World!

Act now to save these grapes!


DIRTY DOBI

Status Update: Y u do dat 2 me?  :(

Status Update: U let me down so bad.  **cries** U no who u r!

Relationship Status Update: I’m single.

Status Update: I have the bestest BFF ever! EVER!! 
PS I hate u ! U no y!

Relationship Status Update: In a relationship.

Status Update: I will never EVER 4give U! U r d WORST! Y u do dat 2 me?

Status Update: OMG! I love you D!!! I knew it wasn’t true all along!! D and Me forevah!

Relationship Status Update: In a relationship.
Relationship Status Update: It’s complicated.
Relationship Status Update: I’m single

In Malaysia Dobi means laundry...



TOTALLY VACUOUS
6.00pm **status update** Today I did  chest: 3X15 rep barbell bench press (max@185lb) heaviest ever since last time!
6:15pm: **status update** I’m at the bus stop.
6:47pm: **status update** I’m in Cheras. Is any one else in Cheras?
6:48pm: **photo upload**  Street
7:42pm: **status update** Jam on the way home. Hate jam
7:43pm **photo upload** Jam
8:57pm: **status update** Eating dinner. Maggi Mee again.
9:58pm **photo upload** Maggi Mee.
9:00pm: **status update** GLEE on TV!!
10:03pm: **status update**  Going to bed now. Good night all my Facebook friends.
10:16pm: **status update** Can’t sleep!
06:00:am **status update** Good morning all my Facebook friends!

Jam



ENDLESS PROMOTER
“Like” my page!! Get updates on our latest, trendiest, eye-catching, wallet-saving product!

There’s an event coming up! Get free passes to our Hippy Hipster Partay!
 “Like” our page now!

I’ve tagged you in a photo! But it’s not actually a photo of you at all! It’s my product! Hahahaha! “Like” me! Share me!

Just click “Like” on our page! Share it with your friends! We want everyone and their dog to “Like” us! 

You will have SO MUCH FUN!! Just please, please, PLEASE “Like” me.

PREACHY ENDLESSLY PROMOTING DJ COMBO



Which type are you?

Are you a VP? A DD? A Foodie RB Combo?

Which type am I?

Oh dear, oh dear. i'm an EP. An Endless Promoter. And a Preacher. Gosh, I’m a Preaching-EP Combo!..I  realise it now. I always forget to photograph my food but I never forget to tell you where I’m spinning. 

Please forgive me, Facebook friends! I’m no better than the rest of you. I promise to preach less. And promote less. After the following announcement.

Did I tell you I’m helping to run a new Boyz night called Cruise, @ Bakita in Changkat Bukit Bintang every Sunday night? 

That it's the best new club in town?

And that this week you can win RM500 in cash if you add the Cruise logo to your Facebook page?

You can find out more on the Facebook page. 



Bloody promoters, always banging on!

‘Like’ this post! ‘Like’ me! ‘Share me!’

:)



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